The Birthing Class Experience, Part 1

This post is obviously late.. very late...it also contains adult content. You've been warned. 


Monday evening Hubbs and I headed to the hospital for our first of 4 birthing classes. Everyone we know has been extremely encouraging about doing these, and very honest on what to expect.... so we thought. Turns out, our friends and acquaintances are BIG. FAT. LIARS.

  We arrived at our class fashionably early as to prove we were committed students, ready to be sponges, ready to learn it all!!! It didn't take long for the Hubbs to start cracking jokes in my ear and distracting me with his "comments". As I was taking notes, you know, being a very studious mom-to-be, I started jotting down some of the things that came flying out of the Hubbs' mouth and some of the things that had us both rolling with laughter. If you were in Education Room 3 last night and trying to pay attention.. my apologies, Hubbs' and I deal with uncomfortable situations with humor. And lots of it. Without further adieu, let the hilarity ensue....... 

THE LIST:

*Interesting side note, of the 15 babes to come 11 were boys, 3 were girls and 1 was a surprise. Dating pool is gonna be a little lop sided. 

• "Are we all about to get naked" ??
• The lights dim, the video starts and the low hum of drums fills the room. Hubbs looks at me and very shyly says "Are we all about to get naked??"  followed by a BIG grin
• All night nurse Tabitha went on and on about eating the delicious cookies that had been provided. Granted the spread looked delightful, but it's hard to shove chocolate chip delights in my mouth when you immediately follow it up with talk of my impending "bloody show"
• The "Sniff" Test
• Nurse T also touched on the off chance that my water may break. Apparently this only happens with 10% of most women. Pretty disappointing since Hollywood has played it up so big in every pregnancy scene since the beginning of time. Nurse T says if you think your water may have broken but you are unsure, just do the sniff test. It will have a sweet smell. Gross. Just Gross. 
• Ring of Fire- Johnny Cash had it SOOOOOOOOOOOO wrong. Not. even. close.
• I Need a Translator- when showing a video concerning the birth of my child please interview and record those that can accurately express to me what is happening. For example:
• "I puss and I puss and he dust pop out" Translated, "I push and I push and just popped out"
• Spider Web Stretch Marks- This poor poor woman. Never in my life have I ever felt so bad for someone. This lady, who was of pale skin and red haired decent, had the most intricately woven spider web of BRIGHT RED stretch marks. When her birthing scene flashed up on the screen I gasped. Aloud. I was stunned and scarred..... but then.... there was .......
• The Surprise Vagina- they panned down ever so swiftly to this woman's woman hood. Keep in mind I said she had red hair previously. You're welcome. I'm not sure whose jaw hit the floor the fastest, mine or Hubbs'. We both dropped our jaws, then dropped our heads, unable to function. And that's all we can recall from class one......